He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
