hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
