Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
