i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
