There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
