I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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