Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's blow job season.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
