Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
