you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
