I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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