Apparently you make a good broom.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
