Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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