she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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