I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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