she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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