I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You were trust falling into bushes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
