I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
no you cant smoke seaweed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
