I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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