Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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