I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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