Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Everything about him screamed your future.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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