Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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