im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
