Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
