insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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