You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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