ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
