he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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