All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
