Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
