Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
