WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got inside last night via doggy door
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
