Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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