if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
