He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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