Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
