dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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