i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
operation harelip BJ is a go
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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