Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We had to coat check the pizza.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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