I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
