He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
