Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
