I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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