My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
