just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
