the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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