Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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