It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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