My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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