I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
