I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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