while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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