Moan for me like Helen Keller
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
