i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
even my farts smell like vagina
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
