yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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