Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
