I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
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look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize