dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
