There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
