I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
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You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize